Rindu Putrinya, Curhatan Marshanda Bikin Terharu | CELEBES ONLINE
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Rindu Putrinya, Curhatan Marshanda Bikin Terharu

Marshanda dan putrinya - instagram Marshanda

CELEBESionline.com, Makassar – Marshanda sedang dilanda kerinduan yang mendalam terhadap putrinya, Sienna Kasyafani. Memang, sejak bercerai dengan Ben Kasyafani tiga tahun lalu, hak asuh anak diberikan kepada Ben.

Untuk mengungkapkan kerinduannya, Caca-sapaan Marshanda, menuliskan curhatan melalui akun Instagram pribadinya. Curhatan yang panjang itu membuat haru dan memilukan.

Memang, Ben tidak membatasi Caca untuk bertemu dengan putrinya. Tapi, Caca berharap bisa tinggal bersama anaknya itu.

Berikut curhatannya:

What can I do
I am guilty
Of losing you.
.
What can i do
I am guilty
Not blaming my illness but that is my weakness.
.
I got lost.
And nobody wins when they tried to save me from falling.
I had to fall. Says God.
.
And until today I cant see why I had to.
Cause it got me losing you.
.
I am guilty and I am ashamed.
People talk about me behind my back.
Saying I can’t bear sanity.
I can’t bear life.
Because I am ill.
.
And now what should I do.
When all I can think about is the thought of losing you.
My daughter.
.
And I miss you, everyday.
And I cry for you, everyday.
I am lost. And in this case I am lost forever.
.
I can only hope and pray for miracle.
I dont even believe that I still deserve the feeling of hope.
I’ve made too big of a mistake.
.
I am left with questions and tears.
I saw people around me.
Being allowed to be with their children.
Pushing me far away from the right self-concept I am supposed to have about myself.
Pushing me far away from seeing myself as a capable human being. Capable of being a mother.
.
I have lost.
I’ve lost you and I lost everything.
And I‘ve forgotten how to have hope.
Tried to understand this chapter of life.
And I can’t understand a thing.
The inner wisdom I usually find in me, is in silence.
.
God help me.
I am lost.
I am ashamed.
What are You trying to tell me?
I am lost.
And everybody talks behind my back.
About how it is normal for me to lose.
How it makes sense.
.
So I just try to bear with the thought of living with my worst self.
The incapable human. The inadequate parent. The one nobody can trust.
And carry on.
And carry on.
And carry on.

Tidak puas dengan catatan panjang itu, Caca kembali membuat curhatan lainnya. Dalam curhatannya tersebut, Caca mengatakan jika postinganya yang di atas bukan hanya dibagikan karena kerinduan terhadap sang putri yang tidak tinggal dengannya sejak bercerai 3 tahun lalu, tapi juga ingin mengungkapkan apa yang dirasakannya dengan penuh kejujuran dan kerapuhan hatinya.

Ia berharap tulisannya ini menginspirasi banyak orang karena dirinya tahu banyak orang diluar yang juga berjuang mati-matian karena memiliki gangguan psikis. Dengan menuliskan curhatan seperti ini, Caca merasa lebih lega.

The caption on my last post (right before this one), is not shared only because I miss my daughter who doesn’t live with me since my divorce three years ago. But I also want to share a writing that‘s written with honesty dan vulnerability.
.
I posted it not only to share my honest expression, but also with a genuine hope that some of you will feel relieved and inspired, karena tau bahwa ada orang lain diluar sana yang juga struggle karena akibat-akibat dari memiliki mental illness.
.
Hope some of you can relate to this and give others like us some strength, empowerment, and love. Apapun masalah yg teman-teman sedang hadapi in life, I hope you realize that we can fall down and cry. But, we have the strength to get up and fight again to have happiness and love again in our lives. Find the way.. dont stop fighting, and carry on. No matter how hard it is. Carry on.

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